2008-05-18

Dare I hope?

The last few weeks, I've been feeling pretty down, my peeps.

Money's not been tight, it's been downright squeezing us dry.

We've had a few mechanical issues in our home...and by mechanical, I mean both of the human skeletal and the architectural plumbing sort.

And on the emotional front, things that had once kept psychic demons at bay have been threatening to no longer work.

As if that wasn't enough, my laptop has been finicky and thus my connection to the Internet (TO YOU!!!) has been sketchy at best. So I've been pretty much reliant on my husband's laptop. Which is with him 90% of the time. Niiiiice.

Oh, and I am due to have a repeat mammogram in the next couple of weeks because the one I had six months ago had some suspicious specks. *Gack*

I've been...scared. Unsure. Isolated. Fighting hopelessness. Broke.

Then, out of nowhere, a situation fell into our laps. One that would give me hope, and take away a lot of the crap I've feared the past few years...not that it would fix all of our problems, but one that would make a lot of things better.

I don't know if this situation will work out. I'm afraid to really hope, because what if I get too excited and positive and it all falls apart? What if I am left where I am, minus the dream of this new, most delicious carrot dangling before me?

So. I am trying to pretend the carrot doesn't exist, and fighting the urge to indulge in fantasies.

But should I be revelling in the dreams while they are possible? Is it better to indulge and have hope thus risking disappointment, or just pretend that hope doesn't exist?

18 comments:

  1. Hang in there. I feel your pain. I'm going through some similar things on the breast front and the financial front. Come over and visit me. I read you often. I even listed you on my blog as a favorite. Maybe you could add me to yours.

    By the way, it's going to be ok. It all somehow works out in the end.

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  2. I'm not sure. I have so been right where you are for many years and hope just seemed to suck for me most of the time. There are few things I hate more than a miracle solution falling out of the sky, giving me unexpected hope when I didn't ask for any and then BAM! It falls apart.

    I have gotten to the point that I don't count on JACK untless it is pretty damn certain. BUT...Where so many things are dire, I say hope. Dream. Do whatever it takes to get you mentally into a better place.

    And Jillian is right. It may take awhile or come in unexpected forms, but so much of the time it works out.

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  3. Hope is a tricky thing. Hope for better, there has to be better, right?

    I will be thinking of you and hoping for you.

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  4. Thinking positively can never hurt. It's good for the body.

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  5. well as a realist i usually don't hope....i would prefer to be all surprised if things work, but prepared if they don't. however i think my thinking sucks. so i say HOPE !!!

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  6. Hope, dream, wonder.

    Every Wednesday, I am fully convinced I am about to win the lottery. It gives me hours of enjoyment. By Friday, I am over my loss and once again convinced that I will win. It keeps me entertained on long car rides.

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  7. I totally get the money situation--I feel like all we do is buy groceries and gas.
    Keep hoping--it will work out!

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  8. I think: don't be afraid to dream big, but be detached enough that you don't "tumble" if things don't work out as expected. We've lived the last 12 years on a rocky edge financially, and one thing it's taught me is that things always seem to work out when I have faith. We've been well-cared for - we've never gone too hungry for long, never been without a home. I strive to live by the saying, "Be generous in prosperity and thankful in adversity." So far so good. If you derive guidance from the Bible, this is always a good thing to keep in mind:
    12:22 And he said unto his disciples, Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on.

    12:23 The life is more than meat, and the body is more than raiment.

    12:24 Consider the ravens: for they neither sow nor reap; which neither have storehouse nor barn; and God feedeth them: how much more are ye better than the fowls? 12:25 And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit? 12:26 If ye then be not able to do that thing which is least, why take ye thought for the rest? 12:27 Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

    12:28 If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?
    12:29 And seek not ye what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, neither be ye of doubtful mind.

    12:30 For all these things do the nations of the world seek after: and your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things.

    12:31 But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you.

    12:32 Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

    12:33 Sell that ye have, and give alms; provide yourselves bags which wax not old, a treasure in the heavens that faileth not, where no thief approacheth, neither moth corrupteth.

    12:34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

    (King James Bible, Luke)

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  9. Revel in the possible carrot non-stop. How often have we ever really gone back in time and said, "I sure wish I had started being sad about this sooner"?

    Positive thinking breeds and attracts more positive. Same's true of negative.

    Wishing you justified optimism.

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  10. prayers on all fronts for you sweets.
    Breast, Money, Plumbing, Physical and all... Many Prayers and lots of positive thoughts!!!

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  11. Joyce Meyer has this saying: complain and remain, praise and be raised.

    I believe you need to hope. :D

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  12. I really understand this post :) I used to give way too much energy to those hope surprises. Then I would just crumble when they fell apart. But something strange happened a few times when the hope surprises actually worked out: I found myself so numb from denying the possibility that I couldn't enjoy the happy ending when it happened. I suppose the right response is somewhere in the middle. How's that for lousy advice?!

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  13. I hope all this works out for the best! Just discovered your blog today and have had a most enjoyable afternoon reading through some of your entries. =) I will definitely be coming back! I love your photographs and your authentic blog entries. Ah, money, health, kids, life...it's a roller coaster - but it gives us something to write about.

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  14. oh, I love you for this transparency. I am praying for you and your family. IM me if you ever need to chat. (if your computer is working, lol!)

    xo ~K

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  15. Try to keep your chin up. Your posts are lovely. This is my first time on your site. I'll try to read fast to catch up

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  16. I've been fairly out of the blogging loop the past few weeks with my own potential life crisis looming so I've just seen this now. I hope Something Good is on its way to you, whatever it is.

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  17. Does this opportunity involve moving to Los Angeles? Say yes. That would be fantastic? Or does it involve the porn industry cause that's fine too. Whatever it is, I hope it works out. Believe me, plenty of us are equally depressed. All I do is worry about my little twin. I'm so damned tired of it I could eat. Which I do. often.

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  18. Sincerely, I wish you the best.

    I can't say this enough, and perhaps this isn't the post to do it in, but I really love reading your words.

    Take care.

    Dan

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Brilliant observations: