2008-06-06

Getting to know me, getting to know all about me...

I have been extremely fortunate in that since I last wrote this post *ahem*, I have gained a couple of new readers. They deserve (a word I love, okay not really) to know the real me. Here I am:

Top 100 Facts About Watch_me Christine


1. Watch_me Christine was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

2. Watch_me Christine doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Watch_me Christine.

3. Watch_me Christine does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Watch_me Christine says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Watch_me Christine sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with her eyes open, and she looks pissed off.

6. Watch_me Christine invented black. In fact, she invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

7. Watch_me Christine does not sleep. She waits.

8. Watch_me Christine does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Watch_me Christine goes killing.

9. Whenever Watch_me Christine plays Chutes and Ladders, she treats the chutes as ladders, because she's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

10. Watch_me Christine is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.

11. Watch_me Christine and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

12. Watch_me Christine can speak braille.

13. Giraffes were created when Watch_me Christine uppercutted a horse.


14. Watch_me Christine can delete the Recycling Bin.

15. Watch_me Christine's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Watch_me Christine.

16. When Watch_me Christine deletes files from her computer, she doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. She sends them to hell.

17. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Watch_me Christine.

18. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Watch_me Christine, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

19. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Watch_me Christine ate Kobayashi.

20. Watch_me Christine beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

21. Watch_me Christine once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

22. Watch_me Christine sleeps with a night light. Not because Watch_me Christine is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Watch_me Christine

23. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Watch_me Christine laughing at you.

24. Watch_me Christine died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell her.

25. Watch_me Christine counted to infinity - twice.

26. On a high school math test, Watch_me Christine put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Watch_me Christine solves all her problems with Violence.

27. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Watch_me Christine punched herself in the face.

28. Watch_me Christine can kill two stones with one bird.

29. Watch_me Christine owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped her win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite her holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

30. If Watch_me Christine wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.

31. Watch_me Christine can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

32. Watch_me Christine has beat the crap out of so many people over her brilliant life that most medical journals now classify her as a laxative.

33. The last man who made eye contact with Watch_me Christine was Ray Charles.

34. Watch_me Christine invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.

35. Watch_me Christine can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

36. You are what you eat. That is why Watch_me Christine's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. Watch_me Christine became a vegetarian not because she loves animals, but because she hates plants.

38. Watch_me Christine was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

39. On her birthday, Watch_me Christine randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

40. Watch_me Christine can predict the shuffle on her iPod.

41. Watch_me Christine wears a cup not to protect herself, but to protect the players on the other team.

42. When Watch_me Christine plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

43. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Watch_me Christine and forgot to pay her back.

44. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Watch_me Christine can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck she wants.

45. Getting murdered by Watch_me Christine counts as a natural cause of death.

46. Watch_me Christine puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

47. When Watch_me Christine goes to donate blood, she declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

48. Circles exist because Watch_me Christine beat the crap out of some squares.

49. Watch_me Christine once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

50. Weeping Willows are a result of Watch_me Christine yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

51. Watch_me Christine irons her shirts while she's wearing them.

52. Watch_me Christine destroyed the periodic table, saying Watch_me Christine only recognizes the element of surprise.

53. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Watch_me Christine is going to walk.

54. Onions do not make Watch_me Christine cry. Watch_me Christine makes onions crap themselves.

55. Watch_me Christine once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give her a speeding ticket, however Watch_me Christine still pleads her innocence to this day, stating that she was simply out for a morning jog.

56. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Watch_me Christine has found too chewy to eat.

57. Once a cobra bit Watch_me Christine's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

58. Watch_me Christine can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

59. Watch_me Christine has the heart of a child. She keeps it in a small box.

60. Watch_me Christine used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind her.

61. Watch_me Christine doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

62. Watch_me Christine doesn't play "hide-and-seek." She plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

63. Watch_me Christine once stated that she "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Watch_me Christine was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.


64. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Watch_me Christine has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

65. Superman owns a pair of Watch_me Christine pajamas.

66. Watch_me Christine can tie her shoes with her feet.

67. Watch_me Christine can make a paraplegic run for her life.

68. Watch_me Christine can slam revolving doors.

69. Watch_me Christine was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

70. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is
actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Watch_me Christine and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

71. Crop circles are Watch_me Christine's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.

72. The word "gay" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "He who has not yet been introduced to Watch_me Christine."

73. Watch_me Christine always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

74. Watch_me Christine is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

75. When Watch_me Christine gives you the finger, she's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

76. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Watch_me Christine could use to kill you, including the room itself.

77. Watch_me Christine's blood type is WD-40.

78. Watch_me Christine is the only one who can "try this at home."

79. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Watch_me Christine's house
one Christmas.

80. Watch_me Christine is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

81. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Watch_me Christine's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

82. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Watch_me Christine.

83. Watch_me Christine is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.

84. Watch_me Christine doesn't read books. She stares them down until she gets the information she wants.

85. When Watch_me Christine gets pulled over she lets the cop off with a warning.

86. The only time Watch_me Christine was wrong was when she thought she had made a mistake.

87. Watch_me Christine's family wraps her holiday presents in lead, so she can't see what's in them.

88. Watch_me Christine played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

89. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Watch_me Christine was the
murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

90. Only once has Watch_me Christine ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

91. Watch_me Christine is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

92. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, Watch_me Christine wins.

93. Watch_me Christine can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

94. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Watch_me Christine allows to live.

95. When Watch_me Christine enters a room, she doesn't turn the lights on, she turns the dark
off.

96. Watch_me Christine does not know where you live, but she knows where you will die.

97. Watch_me Christine was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

98. Watch_me Christine' dog is trained to pick up her own poop because Watch_me Christine will not take crap from anyone.

99. Watch_me Christine knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND*
European).

100. Watch_me Christine had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Watch_me Christine went the lamb was sure to go. So she killed it.

(Now go do your own, bitch)

10 comments:

  1. bwahaha - thank you for something to make me crack up this early in the morning! :)

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  2. Too funny - thanks for the chuckle!

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  3. Oh Dear Heaven! My (mans)laughter was so intense that I tooted while reading these superlative attributes of Watch_Me_Christine.
    You're so much tougher than I ever imagined...I'm quaking in my gassy pants.

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  4. Freaking hysterical. I big pink puffy heart you.

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  5. Do you offer classes? I need to sign up!!!!!

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  6. ahhhh, I see my mother has been giving lessons.

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  7. WOW!! No writer's block for you. Congratulations on all the exciting developments recently. Optimism is the only way to go.

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  8. great list I was giggling ... opps was I allowed to ?

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  9. Oh my god, I think I'm in love.

    The BEST 100 facts I've ever read.

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Brilliant observations: